Just One More Thing
Excerpts from the Columbo Files
Today, the date of this piece’s original publication, is Canada Day, with the Fourth of July falling later this week. This seems a poor time to go deep on policy. So instead, as I have done before, I offer you this jeu d’esprit. I hope you enjoy it! And if this isn’t the sort of thing you’re interested in, please do come back next week, when we’ll be back on our beat, considering how driving automation can help improve public transit.
COLUMBO: I hope you don’t mind, but I was going over your statement here, and I'm just a little confused about one small detail.
YOUNG MC: Sure, Detective. What’s the question?
COLUMBO: Well, Mr. MC—I hope you don’t mind if I call you that, I like to be formal—you mention your best friend Harry has a brother Larry who’s getting married in five days, and then you say “he's hopin’ you can make it there, if you can, ‘cause in the ceremony you'll be the best man”. Now, I'm probably being thick here, but why would your best friend's brother want you to be his best man?
YMC: Oh, that’s my fault for not being clear. It's Harry who wants me to be the best man, and Harry who invited me to the wedding. I don't know why I brought up that he has a brother named Larry.
COLUMBO: Ah, of course. Harry’s your friend, Larry’s just, what do you call it, incidental detail. Got it. Well, that clears that up. Sorry, sometimes these pronouns get me all turned around.
YMC: No problem, Detective.
COLUMBO: So you’re going to be the best man at Harry’s wedding. That's nice.
YMC: Well, not really. I’m just giving advice to people. I include details about specific scenarios to make it concrete.
COLUMBO: Oh, I see. So what you’re doing here, it’s not an actual thing that happened. Instead, you’re saying that, if a single guy is at a wedding reception, he should talk to a bridesmaid.
YMC: Right, just trying to help people out with social situations.
COLUMBO: Oh, that’s very thoughtful. So this whole thing, this is like a how-to guide? Dating advice? But it’s fiction.
YMC: Exactly. I’m teaching people how to be successful with women.
COLUMBO: That’s generous of you. Sharing your expertise to help others avoid mistakes. Very admirable.
YMC: Thanks, Detective.
COLUMBO: Well, I think that covers everything. Thanks for clearing up that Harry and Larry business.
[begins to leave, then turns at the door]
Oh, just one more thing...
YMC: Yes?
COLUMBO: I was going through all these scenarios you describe, and it’s funny. For someone giving dating advice, you sure describe a lot of rejection. Let’s see... you “get shot down ‘cause you're overzealous,” you can’t dance after eating too much, a girl says “no way” when you try to make a move, you're looking for love “in all the wrong places”. That's quite a string of failures for a dating expert, don't you think?
YMC: Look, Detective, who needs advice? It’s people who keep failing. And, to be clear, these are fictional examples of other people failing, not me.
COLUMBO: Oh, examples. Sure, sure. You know, just to say, I’m terrible at car maintenance. Can barely change a tire. But you know what I don’t do? I don’t go around giving other people advice about auto repair. You see what I’m saying?
YMC: Not really, no.
COLUMBO: Well, it’s just that you know an awful lot about what happens when women reject someone. Even down to the facial expressions, the exact words they use, like “no way”. That's pretty specific knowledge for general examples, don't you think?
YMC: Look, if you want to give good advice, you have to know what really happens out there.
COLUMBO: And then there’s that business about how if you don’t have money or a car, women won’t be interested in you. And you go on to say that women—all women?— are sadistic, materialistic, and opportunistic.
YMC: What’s your point here, Detective?
COLOMBO: So here’s what I’m thinking. Maybe this isn’t advice at all. Maybe this is more like... a confession? All these failures you’re describing, they actually happened to you, didn’t they? And now you’re working through your own bitterness by telling other people to do exactly what didn’t work for you. That seems a little... what’s the word... irresponsible?
COLUMBO: Ms. Houston, I’m sorry to trouble you, but I was reviewing your statement about this relationship, and there’s just a couple of things that don’t quite add up for me.
WHITNEY HOUSTON: What things are those, Detective?
COLUMBO: Well, you say here, and these are your exact words, “I will always love you”. Always. That’s a pretty strong commitment. But then you also say you’re leaving this person. Now, maybe I’m old-fashioned, but if you always love someone, why are you walking away?
WH: Sometimes love means letting someone go.
COLUMBO: Oh, sure, sure. I’ve heard that before. My wife, Mrs. Columbo, she says that about the neighbourhood cat. She loves it, but she won’t let it in the house because it’s better off outside. But here’s what’s got me confused about this. You say “I will always love you” four times. That’s quite a bit of emphasis.
WH: I wanted to be clear about my feelings, Detective.
COLUMBO: Oh sure, being clear is important. Can’t argue with that. You’re clear about something else too, but it’s got me puzzled. You say, “you’re the one who made me strong.” So let me get this straight. They made you strong enough to... leave them? Telling them so seems like a strange way to thank them, don’t you think?
WH: People do grow in relationships, you know. Not acknowledging it would be dishonest.
COLUMBO: Oh, absolutely. My wife and I, we've been growing together for thirty-seven years. But here's the thing that really has me scratching my head. You mention “bittersweet memories”. Now, if someone made you strong and you'll always love them, why are the memories bittersweet? Shouldn't they be just... sweet?
WH: Sometimes love isn’t enough, Detective. Maybe, since you’ve been married so long, you haven’t learned this from personal experience, but sometimes in relationships, you love someone deeply but you’re just not compatible. In cases like that, the adult thing to do is recognize when something isn’t working and find the courage to let go.
COLUMBO: Oh, that’s wise. I respect that kind of self-awareness, I really do. But here’s what’s got me puzzled. If this is about mature recognition that love isn’t enough, why don't you say that?
<checks notes>
You never say, “sometimes love isn't enough”. Instead you say you'll always love them. And like I mentioned, you say “I will always love you” three more times. Four times total. Now, my wife, when she's going to the grocery store, she says “I love you” once. But four times? That's not a reminder. It’s what you say when you're trying to convince someone of something, isn't it?
WH: I wanted to be clear about my feelings.
COLUMBO: Maybe, maybe. But if you really wanted them to move on and be happy, I’m not sure you’d spend so much time reminding them how much you’ll always love them. Because that makes it harder to let go, doesn't it?
WH: When someone is hurting, that’s exactly when they need to know they’re loved.
COLUMBO: Oh, absolutely. But all these nice things you're saying—the eternal love, the well-wishes, the gratitude—they’re all happening as you’re walking out the door. It’s almost like, and forgive me if this sounds harsh, it’s almost like you want them to remember you fondly while you get to leave.
WH: Detective, are you suggesting I'm being manipulative?
COLUMBO: Oh, no, no, no. I’m not suggesting anything. I’m just trying to understand this. Because you know what it sounds like? Like maybe you want to leave this person, but you also want to make sure they never get over you. They get to remember you as the good person who loved them so much you had to let them go, which means they also get to spend forever measuring everyone else against the person who'll “always” love them. Would that be a fair assessment?
COLUMBO: Mr. de Burgh, I was going over your statement here, the one about the lady in red?
CHRIS DE BURGH: Yes, Detective. Is there something that I can help you with?
COLUMBO: Well, it’s probably nothing, you know how it is, but there’s just this little thing that’s bothering me. You mention all these men wanting to dance with her, asking for a chance at romance. Were you counting them? Because you seem to have been paying pretty close attention to who was asking her to dance.
CDB: I... well, it was hard to miss.
COLUMBO: Oh, I’m sure it was. But then you say “There’s nobody here, it’s just you and me”. Now, that’s funny, because just a minute ago you were telling me about all these men who wanted to dance with her. Did they all leave?
CDB: I meant it felt like we were alone.
COLUMBO: I see. So when you say “there’s nobody here”, you don’t mean literally nobody. You mean you weren’t paying attention to anybody else. But earlier, when you were cataloguing all those men who wanted to dance with her, you were paying very close attention to everybody else. Do you see my confusion?
CDB: Detective, I think you’re overanalyzing the situation.
COLUMBO: Oh, probably, probably. But here’s another thing that’s got me scratching my head. You say here—and I’m reading from your own words—“I’ve never seen you looking so lovely”, and then “I’ve never seen you shine so bright”. And that’s on top of how you’ve never seen so many men ask her if she wanted to dance.
CDB: That’s right.
COLUMBO: So you’ve been watching her for a while then? I mean, to know what you’ve never seen before, you’d have to have seen her plenty of times, right? Like, I know my wife, Mrs. Columbo, I know she never eats chocolate cake for breakfast, but I can say that because I’ve been married to her for thirty-seven years. But a stranger to her, they couldn’t know that. You follow me?
CDB: Well, yes, I suppose—
COLUMBO: But then you say “I hardly know this beauty by my side.” Now, see, that doesn’t add up for me. How can you hardly know someone you’ve been observing long enough to catalogue everything you’ve never seen them do?
CDB: It was metaphorical, Detective. I meant I was seeing her in a new light.
COLUMBO: Oh, sure, sure. New light. I get that. But see, if you’re rediscovering someone you already know well, wouldn’t you say something like “I’m remembering why I fell in love with you” or “I forgot how beautiful you are”? Instead, you’re using first-time language. “Never had such a feeling”, “never seen you looking so lovely”. That sounds more like... well, like you’re seeing her for the first time, doesn’t it? Not rediscovering someone you’ve been taking for granted.
CDB: Detective, that’s exactly what I mean by seeing her in a new light. Sometimes you can know someone but still discover new depths to them. That’s what real love is about.
COLUMBO: But then, if this lady is your partner—your wife, your girlfriend—why are all these men asking her to dance such a big deal? I mean, my wife, Mrs. Columbo, when we go to these formal events, sure, other men might ask her to dance. But I don’t usually stand there counting them and making mental notes about it. That’s more what you’d do if you were, for example, watching from across the room, wouldn’t you say?
CDB: Look, Detective, maybe I don’t know her that well. Maybe we’d just met. But there’s nothing wrong with being attracted to someone at a party.
COLUMBO: Oh, absolutely not. Nothing wrong with that at all. But that brings us back to what you said about her, that you’ve “never had such a feeling of complete and utter love”.
<beat>
Complete and utter love. That’s pretty strong language. For someone you hardly know.
CDB: ...
COLUMBO: And another thing. You say “my lady in red”. My lady. That’s interesting phrasing for someone you hardly know, don’t you think? I mean, I call my car “my car” because I own it. I call my wife “my wife” because we’re married. But “my lady” for someone you hardly know? That seems a bit... possessive? Is that the right word?
CDB: I think I need a lawyer.
COLUMBO: Oh, you don’t need a lawyer, sir. You’re not under arrest. I’m just trying to understand your story. Because between you and me, it sounds less like love at first sight and more like... well, like maybe you’ve been watching this woman for quite some time without her knowing it. Would that be accurate?
Ok, Boomer. 😂